oh hey again your back, thanks for coming back again and again to read my blog it really does mean so much
Today we are doing another personal post as this won the poll again on Twitter. I’m going to be talking again about something quite personal, but I’m happy to.
So i don’t know if you have worked it out by the title, but todays post is about OCD. And today I’m going to be talking about MY personal experience with OCD.
I’m going to be talking about examples that happen to me, why i did it, and do it, and what I felt like I need/ed to do, I just want to make you aware I am not doing this for attention, I am doing this to show people no one is perfect we all have tough times, and we are all weirdo’s in this world really ha-ha, I would also like to point out that my OCD is now extremely mild and I don’t suffer like I use to and that is how come I can speak openly about it, again any questions welcome.
So what is OCD?
– Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) it is a mental health condition where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive activity. –
(this statement/definition was taken from the NHS website online just to give you a clear definition of what it is.)
So as we know from previous posts such as my precious papa’s accident and my being bullied post that times in my life was all round pretty shit, and i needed to calm down totally but it didn’t got that way for me..
Well during that time, my mind had to deal with so much and I don’t think it did a very good job at it. I develop OCD as my dad was in hospital, and being bullied.
The main stint I would say was my dad. My OCD would majorly relate to his injuries, his life or death situation and my families feelings and surrounding. I would do some very strange this with OCD it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I would be obsessed with doing a certain thing or action over and over compulsively repeated myself. Why? My main reason was my dad.
It began in 2006 the summer my dad was in Sheffield paralyzed I was living with my grandparents and I would find myself waking up at like 2 or 3 in the morning touching plug sockets and door handles, washing my hands repeatedly, also praying lots. I would have to check on my grandparents and mother sleeping, I felt like I had to do these things and if I didn’t then my dad “wouldn’t survive” or he “wouldn’t walk again” or “I would cause him to die” it did get extreme to where i wouldn’t sleep, I would cry, my sister would notice and family would pick this up, my sister would ask me why and tell me off. I had a stone and a necklace that I held onto when i felt like i needed to touch a plug socket or door handle, i use to rub the stone till my thumb was sore. Washing my hands be are ridiculous causing myself to get excess on my hands, they would crack and bleed and i wouldn’t care because i felt like i was “saving” my dad in some way. Which starting to get concerning.
My mum and nanny knew what was happening and they understood, my nanny has suffered with it too. I was happy they knew, I felt more relaxed when they knew but it didnt help much, i would do things over and over and say “stop why there is no point” to myself when i had repeated it about 18 times in the night, i would be losing sleep, i would get tired and stressed and angry at myself and it went on for months and years.
I would try and talk my self out in many ways, telling my self i was silly and stupid and there was no need and dad would be thinking i was crazy, but for some reason it didnt work even though i did beleive what i was saying?! i couldn’t not do the silly things.
I felt anxious all the time like it was my fault in some way i needed to help change it and sort it out. Once i started getting bullied it did get worse, i couldn’t touch certain foods, i was funny in peoples houses, i never slept over at my friends houses, i would have to go home early, i would ruin the night sometimes, well i felt like i did, i just felt nervous the whole time, smells would weird me out, i quit one of my jobs due to OCD, i would hate the feel of someone’s home and surroundings, i just couldn’t deal with it.
I sometimes have that fear now and get worked up, i then want to go home, its not cause i hate their home, dislike their home i just feel uneasy and i always then worry i have upset them.
If i managed to sleep at a friends i would come home so early in the morning get in the shower and scrub myself silly, exfoliate my whole, body i would use a nail brush to scrape my skin, and for some reason i couldn’t stop this.
I think my OCD changes to how stressed and relaxed i am, i have it now like i said but very mildly cause i think i deal with my feelings and stress better now well i feel like i do, my support around me feels stronger too.
I think every bodies OCD appears differently, mine felt very weird. things i had never understood before, like touch skirting boards and feel the need to tap locks 4 or 8 times but i would also bite my skin on my nails and hands really bad till it bled, i use to be so anxious the relief of it bleeding made me feel better which is worrying!, i would use the nail brush to scrap my eczema then i would feel clean again. It was very strange and when i think about it i think i was in a very strange place.
My OCD now has changed so much, my stress results in me getting headaches, like any normal person, i then over worry and overthink but i can talk about things now, instead of holding it in, away fron my family as such, i talk about my worries to my family and boyfriend.
I still get funny about smells and foods, like sour cream and tar sauces, the smell of pancakes, peoples houses still worry me too, i struggle sleeping over anywhere, this worries me about moving out too! How will i cope? i have minor things i still do never so extreme, but i deal with them better and take a different approach now.
I know my OCD mannerisms can’t change the outcome, like me tapping a box would not save my dads life or make me feel happier, i cant change anything by those silly little choices and i needed to overcome that.
Once i had spoken to family and friends and they knew what was happening what i was going through it was like i had to wean myself of from doing it, say i needed to tap the windowsill i would do that once instead of 15 times, i told myself that one counted for the 15 so it was still done but just the once. So done but quicker.
It took years, and sometimes when i do something like that now i laugh, i laugh at it, and i laugh at myself, and know I’m being silly, i know I’m a weirdo and i don’t mind that, i had a rough time and that’s how i was going to deal with it obviously, at least it is that way and not something worse. now i know I’m such a strong person that back then and many things don’t bother me now, it was a learning curve and a dealing mechanism so if you do things like this, don’t worry your not alone and you will get over it, if your a friend of mine reading this and you see me biting my skin 1) slap me 2) know I’m a little anxious 3) laugh with me I’m dealing with this just in my own way.. If you see me tapping door hands 4) laugh and take the piss out of me! I know I’m being silly i just need reminding.
Remember this is all my experience and my opnions, know every body is different, do your research, dont self diagnose, get help.. you need help make sure you get some, if you need to talk, talk! Your not alone, some more minor than this and some are more major than this, whatever get the help that you need, be strong, smile you can do this.
Any questions leave a comment below happy to answer and happy to help, thanks again for reading guys!
Happy times guys, never bothered me
Much love J x